It Began...

It began when I discovered I was barefoot...yet I didn't feel the snow...or the cold of the pavement. I had been walking aimlessly searching...but for what, an answer? ...why am I in such a state of perpetual dismay? Why would I be huddled in this corner of the entrance to some business in downtown Raleigh? I am not homeless.

I need to get to the mental health clinic...that's it...oh my gosh! "Officer I am going to the Mental Health Clinic…No...I can walk there. I am fine...Yes I know I can't sleep here...I wasn't sleeping just thinking. Thanks...I know."

I went straight to the clinic...in the snow...refusing to get in a police car even just for a ride...it is CLOSED!!!...Hmmm. What's that building? It looks open...it turned out to be the Alcoholic treatment center...I went in for treatment...in 1989...late winter...I stopped drinking...for the most part...but the Prozac...when I complained they merely increase my dosage.

So it is August 1989...I am nuts...literally. I go to the state mental hospital...and they refuse me...they say it's for my own good. I don't belong there...little did we know I would end up there within and out again in six months.... but not yet...I have insurance through my college...NCSU. I am in "design" school...

I go to a private hospital...I am admitted the next day after the paperwork is complete...payment approved...I must STOP taking the Prozac…it is killing me...driving me mad...I am totally "manic."

So I begin...whatever that is...well...is was quite a trip...everything was going quite smoothly...I was sleeping and eating...and felt safe...not drunk on my ass or strung out...no cigarettes...some mild sedatives (giggle) perhaps...

Watching and learning from the other patients...what it is to be "insane," I soon would find out exactly what this means...and sooner than expected...one day I felt different...I was hallucinating...more than usual...and I was quite happy…having trouble with my balance. This day was a special day. We were having a dance...a sock hop… a very bad idea putting crazy people in a gym with a slick wooden floor in their socks...but that was what was to occur.

My memory of the event is stranger...I was in charge of making a huge sign...saying "Sock Hop"...so I proceeded to get everyone all excited because they could help me...I was delirious and a big hit with the other patients...I had everyone crumple up newspaper...so everyone got all inky and made a lot of noise which got them all going and it was great...but it sort of got out of hand...

During all of this I managed to make a sign using the paper to form the letters. It had to be attached…how? Magic I think...foggy memories...anyway it worked, and I hung the sign...and danced prior to the actual event...but it was already chaotic enough for me.

So I left and went back upstairs...Wow…then it hit me... I fainted sort of...almost...the nurse finally noticed my actions in the midst of all of the commotion...and came to me. I was burning up…I had a fever of 105. They freaked...and all hell broke loose. They took me behind the nurse's station where they took patients when they freaked out…the patients that is...giggle. In my case it was the nurses that freaked out!

They decided to do a spinal tap. I had a fever. They began stealing my very essence, it felt like, as they inserted this huge needle up my spine...extremely unpleasant…well almost good at first...it is so strange...it wakes up the kundalini…but when they begin to pull the spinal fluid out...it is most agonizing to say the least and my animal and soul instinct protected me.

It has occurred to me since that, it all was very much like what is described as alien abduction...anyway...I jumped up off of the table and the nurses hit a button...all kinds of sirens went off. I was later told that all the floors were alerted and the emergency lights tell the staff which floor...then they all run like firemen to the designated area...well all I know for sure is they came out of the walls it seemed...boy and they picked me up...all big guys...and they carried me to another room just the same, but sparse. They carried me past the glass wall separating the nurse station from the dayroom...where the patients play...

I could vividly see my own image as I was carried horizontally on my back and struggled to get free...superimposed with the amazed and entertained...as well as confused inmates...my peers...my similars. They were having a ball hooting and hollering...the patients always get excited when the alarms go off...humans are conditioned that way even the insane...I guess.

The nurse men strapped me down...I always wondered why they didn't strap me down before the procedure...but I digress...they left me alone in this tiny white room...I could see the door it had a small square window with wire in it...and there was a camera in the corner against the ceiling...it was black...I decided it was there so I could say goodbye to Mom and Dad...my family. I had no problem understanding that the camera would pick up the information even though I never spoke. I was dieing. They were at least a 5-hour drive away, and it was early. They had to wake up and eat first...so I didn't think they would make it…I had heard the "nurses" say, "call his relatives."

Now...I am traveling fast...into nothingness...it is getting dark...it is black on black...but never-ending...not enclosing but vast...open space of nothingness...but such a feeling...a feeling that can only be expressed as all encompassing love...peace...reassurance...engulfing warmth and coolness...everything and nothing...how to express this feeling of wonder...of total bliss. The kiss...of God...the hiss...of Satan...nothing good and nothing bad..."just." And I decided then I would come back...go back...stick around and tell Mom about this wonderful feeling. So I would...

After the void...and during, I heard a tremendous roar...a sound...melodic and chaotic...huge and gentle...never ending...continuous...beautiful yet...deafening...yet...lovely...so LOUD it would burst my ears...that's when I realized for sure...I had wondered if this was a delusion caused by the fever and extraordinary circumstances...but then it happened...no doubt now...

Oh yeah...there was my life...it flashed in chronological order...this life...as chet...well as best I know...and all I saw was myself through the eyes of others...and I was always smiling…and I felt the joy they felt and the love...and I said to myself...it was good. I didn't do such a bad job after all.

And then it happened...I saw colors in the blackness...and as I studied them, I saw a bright, tiny but exquisite light way off in the distance...and I went to it...faster than the speed of light for I was indeed chasing the light...I caught it...and it would blind...it would incinerate the eyes...I knew that I was no longer merely human...or even human at all...

And then I saw the light up close...I was part of it...I saw bubbles...like soap bubbles only huge and impervious…and they had little lights inside...stars…oh a galaxy...In each there was a galaxy, or universe...

One very bright star...and others scattered around...and they were the source of the sounds…they are all frequencies. They all have a tone...oh I understand...and then I began to look at myself. I was still here. I could feel that I was in the center of my head…oops...well no. But I AM still chet...and much more, but I remember being chet...and.

I begin to look out...I can see in all directions at once...I try to look at myself...I spin...oh...I am a bubble too...wow...I get it...or do I?

I begin to question the life form I was...why do humans not see that they are like cells in a body? Gosh, can they not see that it is as if the cells of the arm attacked the cell of the leg because it is lower to the earth...

Why...and prejudice… why is difference not cherished? All are one, yet all are different…so complex is the tapestry of life...and instantly I received answers. The answers incorporated themselves in my questions and the wisdom and insight grew exponentially.

I was told it is human nature...the design...the wheels that turn and grind the soul…the polish, if you will. Their very nature provides the coarseness needed.

Then I asked about Hitler...and was told he served a very important and hallowed position. He was a teacher. He taught us what to avoid...he was an example of what we should avoid. And yet with as big as the atrocities were that he spawned...the human beings still haven't learned yet. He is not to be forgotten...but it is happening still...it is part of the mix.

This is perhaps not exactly what I received in information...remember this happened in 1989...but as I remember it...these were the answers received...only, they were received not in language, but in all encompassing understanding...like the entire encyclopedia of whatever I question would instantly be accessed...the universal..."ALL THAT IS's" encyclopedia.

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A Personal Note